Sometimes…when you least expect it, when things seem dark, God randomly sends a light. Something you may have needed to hear or needed to see to make that dark outlook you had, not so dark anymore….Definatly had that happen through two people. To both of them THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!
I wish i wasn’t so self-concious. I have been since about 5th grade. I’m always surrounded by beautiful people. And it makes me feel a little less than average.
All of my friends are absoultly gorgeous. They constantly get told how freaking beautiful they are. They look amazing without even trying. And then when they do, they look like freaking godesses. They have guys jocking them left and right. Sometimes things fall into place a little to perfectly for them. I feel like my trying nowhere near adds up to thier “oh i dont care what i look like”. and when i say oh fuck it…HAHA, lets not even go there. I try to fake it with joking and saying stuff like, “dont hate me cuz im pretty” or “you wouldnt do that to me, im too cute” in the back of my mind, theres that voice saying, “haha you wish”. Even though i try to hide it, i feel so basic compared to them. I try not to think about it, but the thought is always there.
Only once have i actually genuinly felt that i looked beautiful, prom nite, granted i hated that night….but the fact that i felt like for once, i looke pretty overshaddowed every disapointment i faced that night.
I dont try to be i really dont. But it stems from so much. From my constant battle with my wieght. To constantly being teased about my looks. To being told numerous times by the dudes that I’ve talked to “how beautiful my friends were” or “she can get it”, making me feel even more self-concious.
Me feeling beautiful is a constant battle i fight everyday. Sometimes, i feel like i can conquer it, other days i feel like its a pointless battle. But i hope one day, i can finally over come it and finallly genuinley feel like I’m beautiful.
They always say regret nothing, because it shapes you into who you are. And i believe that. But one thing i regret soemtimes from time to time is my heart. I try to let people in without judgement, let thier actions proove who they are. However, many and plenty of times, this somehow always comes back to bite me in the butt. And while i ocasionlly try to shut it down, it only makes things worse. Its like a double-edged sword and i get hurt either way you look at it. Its funny how what i used to believe was one of my greatest traits, seems to also be my biggest enemy!
My main dream though, is to be sucsessful. Not necisasrily money/career wise sucessful, but family wise. I’vd always been a fmaily person. And I;ve always wanted a big-ish family. Wonderful husband, 3 or 4 kids. Nice house. Good living conditions. And to be happy! Thats all a girl could want :)
Biologically- I only have one sibling. My sister Victoria!. She gets on my nerves occasionally but i love her to death and i’d do pretty much anything for this child. :)
Now NON-BIOLOICALLY….there’s my ride-or-die sisters…British, Brieana, Brittney, and Sade. These girls done had my back thru some crazy stuff and i can never repay em enough!!!
Then there’s my HAM-Family. And ohhh my what people they are. Melissa, Weslely, Tahran, Drew, Justin, Trevor, Samir and even Chris….maaaan they keep me rollin. Always have a crazy time when im with them and they never let me down! i love them boys…and Melissa like crazy!
OKay….this one is hard. but I’m gonna do it on my friend i’ve known the longest…my real sister. Victoria Brown. My litle sister. known her since the day she was born 17 years ago. lol. Even though i could fight this child all day everyday, i gotta love her. We have super cool moments when we aren’t fighting :) no matter how much i tell her i hate her, i love her to death. But only i can fight her, anybody else that wanna fight her can’t. sorry! lol